Ruthless Rant & Rage: alas, the dreaded keg lines

by Megan Lorenz

Every year spring makes its way into Athens, bringing to it something quintessentially Ohio University: fest season. Most of us know the joys of fest season: warm weather and all day drinking events, (a.k.a. the theme of this issue). But in this excitement we forget the worst part of fest season: the keg lines. Personally can’t stand being crushed in a giant mob trying to get their half-assed portion of warm, foamy, imitation lager. In my experience, there are some total douche bags one may encounter in the keg line.

First, the Pusher. This person is probably bigger than you. He thinks he can just shove his way through the mob. Right now he is standing on your left foot with his elbow positioned into your side. You try to fight back, but to no avail. Welcome to another 10 minutes in line.

Second, there’s the Pumper. This person, usually a scantily clad chick, thinks that by pumping the keg, they will improve their chances at getting beer. Suddenly the Pumper and the all powerful tap holder are instantly friends. What does she care if beer is now shooting out at 100 miles an hour? If she keeps pumping, obviously the tap will come her way.

Lastly, there’s the House Beer Abuser. After an eternity of waiting, this person butts in with five huge pitchers to fill up for their impromptu flip cup tournament. Add in a few thousand “Hey, over here!” “Ladies first!” and “I think you were in my PSY101 class!” yells and you might actually go insane. So my advice: bring your own beer. Believe me, the $10 for a case of beer will far outweigh the hours of standing in line, and the possible criminal record you might get when you haul off and punch someone in the face.